THE STORY OF AYN VAN DYK
As told by her father Derek Hoare
Part Thirteen of Fifteen
I STARE AT HER PICTURE
November 10 & 13 and December 7, 2011
It has been ten months that Derek has been without his daughter. He wrote this when it was only 4.5 months. Imagine how he must feel today.
November 10
Had an incredibly difficult evening, Wyatt and me decided to tidy up the garage and began to stumble across memory after memory. Over the years I have kept so many of Ayn's precious things; from notes, cards and artwork, to hair, baby teeth and tiny articles clothing. Was unbelievably painful, we spent the evening together, and in many ways Ayn was there too. Eventually along with Lyric we passed out in the living room. This morning has been very hard as well, though no tears have been shed yet. It feels like a death, her beautiful sing song voice echoes in my head.... "Daddy I want a treat!", "Tickle me Daddy!"....."It's ok Daddy, everything is going to be ok.” So much for no tears. Going to spend a couple hours hugging my son and trying to explain to him how it is that the world is not just a scary place. That though pocked with pain and sadness it is full of joy and triumph as well. I'll be back soon.
November 13 (Derek's Birthday)
Want to know what hurts the most about today? Ayn knows when my birthday is, Ayn knows when anyone's birthday that she has ever heard is. She remembers them all... She knows the date... but she wasn't invited to a party and certainly did not get to host one for me. I love you Ayn. She used to listen to this version of the gummy bear song just because it mentions my birthday and she would pause it right after it says it, and look at me and laugh.
The Gummy Bear Song - Long English Version
December 7
So frustrated right now, being torn in a hundred directions and yet I stare at her picture and feel like crumbling to the floor, everything melts away and I am left with an aching void and welling up of pain. Going to take a moment to hug my boys and collect myself.
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