Tuesday, April 17, 2012

DAY 93 I GUESS part 2of15

As told by her father Derek Hoare
Part Two of Fifteen

It's September 16th, day 93 I guess.

Ayn's eyes after drugs were administered
Ayn at present is in a foster home, living in a separate suite downstairs with 24 hr caregivers. She is being medicated daily with Risperdal, and sporadically "as needed" with Seroquel if she tantrums. Benadryl and melatonin are also administered. Both Risperdal and Seroquel are neuroleptic (nerve seizing) atypical antipsychotics, with long lists of side effects.

She attends the same school she did last year, as a result of which I have had to move Lyric to a new school, which fortunately does seem to be very suited to his needs. Wyatt is studying the eukaryotic cell, learning about integers and working away on a book report about the revolutionary war.

Today for me was a bit of recovery, since yesterday morning was surreally difficult.
The reason being that I am facing a process which is multifaceted yet each path takes months.... months.... It has already been months, why subject her to this? Because she was unruly? Because she knew just how to get her way at school and bullied them around. She is a little autistic girl, she doesn't understand how sentient we all are, this is her universe and she does not want to be told what to do in it... but she is learning. And she has gotten so much better, I know what the school is facing I have faced it too. But long ago I succeeded in teaching Ayn that violence will not get her what she wants, that she needs to use her words. The school system I'm afraid is simply not ready for some autistic kids just as they are not ready for it.

Ayn is a very bright little girl, her disability does not lie in her vocabulary or intelligence but in her social interaction. She is affectionate and caring but solitary and emotional. She loves music and art, photography and the internet. She does not need to be drugged for her "well being" she was perfectly happy in the home. And when I think about this taking months longer I am flooded with a range of emotions.

So today I spent the morning getting the boys on task, I had a meeting with community services at 10:30 until 12. Chasing moments here and there to work on what I can, always able to think about this but time to work on it is more limited. Kim has been a huge help, he watches the boys daily at this point, which is fun to watch as Wyatt and Kim try to make each other and lyric laugh. Budding comedians.

I know the issue of visitation is extremely divisive, and that my view is likely in the minority... but I want people to understand this was made neither lightly nor thoughtlessly... I do so long to see her believe me. And hence I can completely understand people’s reasons for doing so, it is the natural response; I must however look at this in a long term manner... when Ayn comes home and this is... "behind us", will she feel safe, will she know that I would not leave her behind.

If you view this for a moment and imagine yourself the victim of an assault lying there pleading for help, or to come home. And your loved one arrives... you are so happy to see them as they are you, but rather than take you away from the situation they walk away leaving you there.... now when it is over and you return.... how do you view that person? What sort of betrayal would you feel... you may be able to understand judicial processes and rationalize why the person left you there... Ayn does not. All she will know is that I would walk away and leave her there rather than honour her wish to come home. that I had the ability to save her but walked away instead... who can she then trust?? that is a permanent realization it does not go away.

Many of my closest allies and advisors in this, think I should see her, but they respect my view as I do theirs. For me this is not about satiating a short term desire for us to see each other, this is not about alleviating short term sadness... but is about preserving Ayn's long term belief that in this world she is curiously struggling to understand there are those who will always fight in her defense. She will not understand the nuances of government policy or judicial processes.

What Ayn knows is that "Daddy's coming" she knows this... we have a bond that ensures her trust in me. I love her... she loves me.... she knows I will always look out for her... and I’m trying. is this hard yes, very. I cry so much over her absence, I relish everything that reminds me of her. But she will be back and she will know that her home is a safe place and that Daddy never gave up.

Many thanks to Jean Nicol for this Collection of Derek's entries from Ayn's Facebook page
Also downloadable in its entirety at this SendSpace site

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