Friday, September 21, 2012


Why doesn’t Aime have custody of her daughter?
That was the question posed by a commenter on my blog site.
Many of us took exception to the question being posed at all?

I have done some further thinking about the question because Aime herself provided an answer to the question. Once you begin reading, you had better continue to the end before you form an opinion about my motivation.

I bring the matter forward yet again, precisely to highlight Aime’s admirable response and to underscore the chain of errors in the administration of this family’s case. The MCFD is so far off the mark of what is in Ayn’s best interests, it can hardly claim that as an acceptable motto any longer.

Initially some of us considered the question to be an affront to both Derek and Aime, an invasion of their privacy. A few of us stated that it was no one’s business why Ayn is not with her mother.

There are several platforms from which to examine this question. First, if the Ministry had considered giving Ayn to her mother Aime and then determined that was unwise, then in my opinion it would be a natural question ( I won’t use the term ‘fair question’) to ask why? If over 5000 of us are going to say to varying degrees of commitment that we support Aime and Derek in their effort to have Ayn returned, it would be foolish of us not to wonder if not ask why the child was removed from the father and why wouldn’t the Ministry give the child to her mother? But of course, the Ministry would certainly not divulge the answer publicly and it would be bold of anyone to ask the question of the parents. Second, if the Ministry offered Ayn to Aime and Aime refused, that too would be of significant interest to supporters and of concern to a few, and in my opinion would still be a natural question, but it could be said that it was a personal and private matter. Third, if Derek and Aime discussed their possible responses to the Ministry removal of Ayn and whether they should suggest that Ayn be placed with Aime, and the Ministry simply never made that an option, the question is also natural and answerable.

Look at it this way. Her privacy has already been invaded by the Ministry. Rights are trampled upon. Aime has gone public numerous times before with her feelings, responses, and answers.

So now we come to Aime’s comments yesterday on Ayn’s Facebook page. It was unexpected, at least I didn’t expect Aime to speak to the question. Her involvement was gracious and good.
When Derek and I made the decision to separate, it was a very painful process as everybody can imagine. We both love our children very much, had spent 8 1/2 years parenting our children together, and had been in a committed relationship for 13 years at that point. There were many factors to take into consideration when it came to what would be in the best interests of our children... Derek was the parent that stayed home with the kids full time while I went to work. My expectation was that I would be working 5 days a week. Our children can be very demanding, it was necessary for one of us to be at home at all times. A good example of why this was necessary would be that Ayn would have meltdowns at school and Derek would be called in to assist or take her home. 

Now I want to be clear, Derek and I both wanted our children, but which would be the better fit? Our children have exceptional care requirements. Our son Lyric is a very big boy. He is too heavy for me to lift, has bigger feet than I do and he's only getting bigger (he's just about 12 now).

Is an horrific custody battle with finger pointing and tremendous animosity going to best help our kids? If a parent needs to be available at all times and I plan on working, am I the best choice? 

I am accustomed to being asked why my kids are not with me. As a general rule after separation, people expect the children to remain with their mother. I do not believe I would have been the best option for my kids. This was probably the most painful decision I have ever had to make in my life. I agonized over this and cried many, many tears. I love my kids and I wanted my kids, but Derek was the better choice. 

As to why Ayn is not with me now... I have been ABLE and WILLING to take Ayn from the beginning. There would have been details to work out (eg. I live in a one bedroom). I assure you, rather than having my only daughter being drugged in foster care, I would have worked out the details."
Bottom line is that if people merely gossip about their neighbours, they do not warrant any answers to questions, but if we are going to support a person in an active way, we owe it to ourselves to be informed, so some natural questions need to be asked and answered. Clearly, Aime knows this, values the support of all of you and has nothing to hide, and is clearly a person deserving of your support. Derek has already demonstrated the quality of his character in caring for his children. He has done it well. He does it well. Aime endorses him. There is nothing more to this … give the child back to Derek. She will thrive, live happily and well with her dad and her brothers and Aime will have every opportunity to be with her children.


  1. I posed the question and am pleased Ayn's mother has answered - nothing was being insinuated regarding her ability. If she is willing to have her daughter and make the changes necessary ("able and willing") then she should apply through Family Relations Act and work in conjunction with Derek and MCFD to facilitate a return plan.

  2. I understand that Amie supports Derek's fight to get Ayn back, as she should. However, it's not clear whether the MCFD will indeed release Ayn if the condition is that it be to Amie, not Derek. They will not say, of course, if the reason they are holding Ayn is simply that they disapprove of an adult man caring for a disabled daughter and want her to have a female carer as she reaches puberty; there is actually no legal basis for this requirement and there are many men looking after disabled female relatives (not just wives), but they often encounter suspicion (as they do even when their children are not disabled). I sometimes read the blog "Single Dad, Disabled Daughter" and the author posted this entry early on in which he describes an incident where a "resident" (not sure if that's a junior or trainee doctor) questions how he found lesions on his daughter's "private area", as if he shouldn't be looking there. It might be an idea for them to raise the issue of Amie taking her, but maybe they are waiting for the legal case to pan out. I agree they shouldn't have to.


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