The next quotation of a child's comment comes from Tuesday's post, called 'Listen to the Children.' “Can we stay now?” A small child's earnest request to remain with birth parents from whom he has been separated for half his life is without any agenda other than personal satisfaction of the heart.
It is not a child's comment on the care received within the foster home. It is not a child's comment about foster parents. It is not a child's statement that affirms or denies appreciation for what a foster parent has done for the child. It is simply a child's stated desire.
Foster parents motivated to care for children who are temporarily in need of a place to stay and in which to have their daily needs met, and to provide some sense of stability and affection are to be commended. I have said this before. Never having offered this service myself, I am unsure how you foster folk maintain the necessary objectivity to remain emotionally unattached to the child. Of course it helps if you already have children of your own. You do not require or want the additional permanent responsibility of someone else's child or children. This is a temporary service you do. Most foster parents understand perfectly, their roles and functions. They are foster, surrogate and alternate and are interim, impermanent and want it that way. Yet, can a foster parent become attached emotionally to an infant or a small child in one's care? I can believe that this happens.
The foster parents of the Bayne children did not initiate this question or this blog post, nor did the birth parents. This is entirely detached from them. The ideas arose elsewhere in a rather general discussion rather than case specific. Could a foster parent become jealous of the affection of a child shown to the biological parents – an affection demonstrated by a simple statement such as, “Can we stay now?” Would that be an awkward and somewhat troublesome tug of war. Would that influence a foster parent's care program? Would it affect how a foster parent treated the child, spoke to the child? Would a foster parent attempt to win the child's affection somehow? Could a foster parent regard birth parents as rivals? How does a foster parent show care with affection and then successfully shut that down because their task is completed? I said in an earlier post that there are 16,000 children annually in BC who live for some time outside their parents' homes. The issues must therefore be handled many times by foster parents in this province.
I have to say, I never thought of these things, certainly not when I wrote the piece entitled “Listen to the Children.” It was merely a means to convey that a child has something to say about the way he wants his life to unfold. He should be heard.
Ron;yesterday I gave you a story from my advocacy archives. Today I give you a case history from my book, which will be in two halves.(Don't miss the thrilling sequel!!!) Before I give you my story, I would like to mention that I read the transcript from Finn Jensen's three days of final summary at the Bayne hearing. It ran to 237 pages. He revisited every minute detail of every medical argument and every other piece of testimony,arguing about everything. I wondered what the purpose was. Then it suddenly dawned on me. This is a basketball game. Every point counts and the judge is the referee. Final score ministry 107 Baynes 103. Verdict-continuing care order. Final score Ministry 107, Baynes 109--return kids. You have to admire the legal profession.
ReplyDeleteNow my story
THE WISDOM OF A TSIMPSHEAN GRANDMOTHER
When I went to work in Prince Rupert, my boss very wisely removed my authority to apprehend children and to represent the Superintendent of Child Welfare in court proceedings. He knew that the office was rather crisis ridden and before long the other staff would have me pitching in and doing child protection work, instead of discharging the work to which I had been assigned. It also protected me from my own inclinations, because I had a tendency to start doing a job as soon as I saw that it was needed. However, it was not always possible to escape involvement and a case in point arose. By a feat of unusual management, the local supervisor had managed to have himself and all the staff to be out of town simultaneously and there was no one left who had the authority to protect children. I happened to be the only social worker at the office and when an emergency call came in, the clerical staff could do nothing but pass it on to me.
A constable from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police had called, requesting that someone attend a local rooming house immediately, because a baby had been abandoned and he was staying there until someone arrived. Pausing only to get the name and address of one of our emergency baby homes from the front office, I left for the hotel. What had happened was that a number of people had been drinking heavily and raising a riot until the wee hours. The manager had called the police in the morning, in order to help evict the tenants, who were being very abusive. A baby boy aged nine months had been left on the scene by his mother, who had taken off with a man sometime during the night. None of the other drinking companions wanted to be responsible for the child, nor were they in a fit state to give him any care. I was able to learn the identity of the mother, who was a Native Indian of the Tsimpshean language group. There are different opinions on how this name should be spelt, so I hope any purists will be tolerant with me.
I had to explain to the young constable that I had no authority to apprehend the child, but that the problem was not insurmountable. As every police officer had the authority to apprehend children, he would have to take responsibility for the child. He was quite startled to hear this and he did not like it one bit. I teased him a little before letting him know that all we would need was his name to put on the court application, as the apprehending officer and he would in all likelihood never be involved again. I headed for the baby home with the baby as soon as possible, because he obviously needed attention. The baby home proved to be run by a very tender young couple. The husband was a pastor at a small fundamentalist church in the locality. He was on a modest income and his sincere young wife was able to contribute to the family income by providing a subsidized baby home and as she had very little experience, my advent with the baby was an important occasion.
continued
The wisdom of a Tsimpsean grandmother continued
ReplyDeleteWhen I got back to the office, I started looking through the records and I found we had the mother in our system and that there was a grandmother also living in town. I immediately went to see the grandmother, in order to confer with her about what was best to do about the baby. Grandma was a real sweetheart and she had the typical singsong lilt of the Tsimpshean people. Although only in her late forties, a thousand pains and sorrows dwelt in her eyes, for two of her children were afflicted with alcoholism and she always had to watch out for her grandchildren. She immediately suggested that she would be willing to care for the baby and she was more than pleased when she learned that she would get financial assistance to help her to do it. I could see no reason why we should not hand the child over to her, so I arranged to take her to pick up the child the next morning. I was happy that one of the other staff would have to pick up the paper work when they got back to town.
The next morning I duly took Grandma to the baby home and we found that the little fellow had had a good night and appeared to be quite adaptable. He had been cleaned up and put in a new outfit and he looked much better. The foster mother said that there was one thing that she should draw to my attention, which had her somewhat concerned and perhaps we should take the baby to the doctor right away. She lifted the baby's T shirt to reveal an ugly purple welt running across his abdomen, which was quite raised and sort of wrinkly. She said she had dabbed at it with a wash cloth, but she did not want to do any damage by doing more.
Grandma looked very worried as she stared at the horrible mark intently. Suddenly she gave a shriek and a deft, brown hand plucked the sore from her grandson's belly, holding it aloft. "Look!" she cried triumphantly. "Bubblegum!" We all collapsed with laughter.
Children should always be heard. But Children cannot make tough decisions such as to put themselves in care obviously.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes it isnt the best decision for them to return home. Thats the grownups job, the professionals that deal with this subject to decide.
And yes, it is easy to get attached to a foster child. We include them in our everyday lives. They are with us when we laugh and joke and when we yell and scream and when we are quiet and sad. And we are with them when they cry for their Mommys and Daddys and when they are happy to have learned something new and when they are having good days and bad days. We bond for sure but we always keep prepared for the day they go home. We want them to go home, where they belong but we want them to go to a SAFE home.I act as an aunt and in many cases remain somewhat in our former foster childrens lives when possible. Aunty did her job, now its time to go home to mommy or mommy and daddy or Gramma. Jealous feelings? Not for me. I cant speak for others but for me I understand nobody can take the place of your birth family. I can put myself in that place of unfamiliarity and having to adapt to another family, different smells, different ways of doing things, different food and traditions etc, and then think of the familiarity of my own home. Where do I want to be at the end of a long day? At home, my home. Foster kids feel the same way. But we always hope that home is safe....
Foster Mom Tracy
Ray Ferris, I loved your story of the Tsimpsean Grandmother. I work with alot of families from Nazko and Kluskus here in Quesnel and I loved one of the Grannies of our 5 year old Foster daughter. She had warm, crinkly eyes and loved her many many children and grandchildren very much. She cared for many of her grandchildren including our little 5 year old for alot of her life before she came to us. She passed away sadly last summer. She told me I have to have a proper traditional made from leather and wood baby basket bed if I am to care for any more babies from Nazko!
ReplyDeleteFoster mom Tracy